Beyond Belief: Good Versus Evil?

I wonder about this world and the construct I've been taught since the moments of my earliest understanding of the human language. I have always been taught that there has been "good versus evil" in the world.  We are also told that all of existence is a representation of light versus darkness. Interestingly, there are those who hold that there is an ancient fight between dark and light or good and evil.  What if this hypothesis is wrong?  What if you take apart that pre-existing belief that supports this hypothesis bit by bit? We should step back from the limited and up close experiential impression of life that is interspersed with this belief and attempt to see things differently.  Life itself was created by dark and light. Even the big bang theory creates a good basis for questioning the assumption of "dark versus light" in my mind...there was a correlation between both. There was dark matter and light matter in relative proportions that lent themselves to interactions and then reactions which formed various entities and different types of celestial creations.  What if this contest of dark and light is really just two aspects of the same whole - Life? Life in its myriad reflections is composed in part at least by both dark and light...by both good and evil.  Not one of us could say with true honesty that we've never done something some might consider dark, bad or evil in some way whether that be in our thoughts alone or in some cases, by our actions.

I step back a little further and think that perhaps the two concepts stem from the same indescribable Source and for good reason.  Maybe our understanding of the that reason may be limited in our current state of consciousness,  but there is a reason none-the-less.  Some interesting studies have taken place concerning the dark matter that exists in the cosmos and how under certain types of scrutiny, not only does dark matter exist but within some constructs, that dark matter seems to hold up the light in unexpected ways.  Pulling my thoughts from these concepts a little closer to personal experience, I ponder gazing up at a dark night sky. This is something I take great pleasure in for so many reasons.  Every time I gaze up I see nothing but the darkness interspersed with the light of stars that were born, held brilliant existence and then some burned out to be replaced in the continual cycle of birth and death.  I go back once again to the thought of light and dark and good versus evil.  As I recall how a night sky deeply contrasts and makes me appreciate the beauty of a billion twinkling stars, so too do I realize the interplay between dark and light in our human existence.  To be a little more precise with the example of human behavior I question, does not the action of actors conducting behaviors we find unsavory make us not appreciate those behaving good and kind even more?  Does inappropriate or dark behavior make us not wish to strive even more to do better, be better and work harder for good?  (Some of us at least maybe?)

If my supposition has any merit at all, then there must be some sort of design or purpose in the process.  This brings me to further questioning whether or not some souls actually agree to come here to play certain types of roles to teach others the consequences of choice, action and reaction.  I don't write to excuse or explain away what some might term bad or evil behavior in human beings that the moral majority has determined bad or evil.  I just mean to say that I wonder whether some souls don't come here just for the purpose of making the light behavior around them shine even more brightly.  When I compare the stars and my appreciation for the light, I must say the same is true in my experience with souls some might term bad.  They certainly make me appreciate those termed good all the more.  It also makes me realize we are all comprised of dark and light, good and bad whether or not we wish to hide or admit it.  We are all capable of great and wonderful things as a race of human beings but we are also capable of some pretty terrible things as well.  But maybe those good things and terrible things are only a matter of a limited judgment created from a lack of understanding of the true framework in which we all operate.

Stars are born, grow bright giving beautiful light and then they burn out over time but the darkness that holds them remains.  In this view, it seems the darkness actually supports the light.  Perhaps there are good reasons for this but we haven't entirely understood just why in the larger meaning-of-life kind of framework.  We can get to the mechanics through physics and other scientific disciplines but we haven't yet discovered the full scope and detail of the framework or fully understood that there is a framework much bigger than our limited capability for everyday thought can define.  The soul within me smiles as I write this morning because it knows in feeling what I still cannot fully articulate.  My consciousness on this side of the veil is much more limited it seems.  This grand design we experience here has a beautiful purpose in terms of what it has the potential to inspire in this Earth's inhabitants.  Our experiences, whether good or bad shape the whole of the resulting beingness that we are and have always been.  Free will dictates that we can choose how we will experience this world even if events occur seemingly randomly or by mere chance.  Even if our experiences are formed by random events or chance alone, we still have the ability to choose our perceptions of what we experience and no two of us see things exactly the same way under the exact same circumstances.  This for me, creates a wonderful diversity of experience.  This diversity of experience creates an energy of the whole that does something we are not entirely conscious of.  The collective of emotion, feeling and lessons can be accessed by us all through understanding that the differences exist.  We can agree to disagree when we experience the same thing differently or we can egotistically fight to prove that only our experience or perception is the right experience or perception.  We can choose to do whatever we wish within reason given the constructs of the elements of the world we exist in.

Some have called me a light worker.  I can't say that I own that title because I think it is incomplete.  I am not here to work the light but to inspire others to seek deeper meaning and appreciation for their experiences through this internal compelling urge to write about my own.  Am I brave or stupid?  Who knows - you can judge if you want.  I don't mind at the end of the day because I've learned about judgment too.  I can only experience a degree or two of a thing or person until I have found my way around experiencing a full 360 degrees of a thing or a person.  I find I'm continually reminding myself of this important fact.  I push myself to become more curious when I find I've entered judgmental territory.  Although I question our framework and perceptions (including my own), I do know that the judgmental landscape cannot carve out for me any understanding of truth as I seek it.  That doesn't mean, as often I've written, that I will not exercise my judgement in terms of what I will or will not participate in.  But notice that I'm curbing my judgment towards inspiring self action and taking no measure of pride in a negative judgment of another.  Oh, I've done it.  I'd be a liar if I said otherwise.  What I'm trying to say is that I've realized the futility of expending energy in that way.  It does not contribute to my growth but instead circumvents it.  I have come to this understanding by realizing fully that it is the dark and light or good and evil of all of our experiences including the interaction with all of the actors here acting in this play that is the path to the truth I wish to uncover beyond belief.  The light and dark, the good and the evil, these shape the sum total of all of our experiences.  I do not see this negatively but rather positively because this is where I've gained greater understanding.

I am utterly fascinated by the workings of the construct of this place we co-exist within.  I'm further fascinated with and very appreciative of my fellow brothers and sisters making their way through their lives.  It's no easy task although some make it look easy.  Just as many souls here can make it seem hard and such a struggle to attempt to exist at all.  Regardless, my heart goes out to them all in the hopes that they get from this place and this experience exactly what they are looking for.  The dark and the light, the shades of gray and the shadows cast from light around darkness all teach us something about our own framework.  I have no conclusions for others in my thinking this morning, just my early morning coffee induced mental meanderings.  The sun is coming up even though I can't see it.  The autumn blanket of clouds is here with us in my little part of the world.  I'm grateful for this moment to sit and to drink in the delicious feelings deep within that have resulted from the whole of my own experiences here on Earth.  There have been hard and terrifying times for me but there too have been times of such pure and pristine love and beauty that I am loath to describe them.  I fear my own limited vocabulary may take away from my experiences as silly as that sounds.

As I look back and reread these words I have written, I think I have come to a bit of a conclusion with my thoughts after all.  Everything in existence stems from the All of Everything, the Source, whether or not I understand it or can articulate the reasons why and whether or not a single other agrees.  Both our experiences of light and dark emanate in some manner from the Source.  We are given the ability to think and to create so we can do what we will with the lightness and darkness of our own thoughts and experiences and as a whole, we certainly do.  I breathe in deep the cool air of the morning and let all these thoughts go.  I need not trace every detail as I contemplate constructs. The nuances would simply drive me mad.  I only intended to scratch the surface just enough to give you something to consider.  Perhaps, maybe, some food for thought to expand your perspective beyond beliefs (which I consider to be untested hypotheses from collected or imposed theories). ~Blessings for an expansive and thoughtful day beautiful souls.  I hope you make the best of every single thing you encounter.  Savor the good and appreciate the challenging for the thoughts and actions these concepts compel you to live with and better yet, to truly understand.

(c) Jaie Hart (photo/words)

You'll Know

Oh the words mankind must speak
In order to satisfy the hunger of the ego
Exacting intentions to stir up emotion
Giving sway to a temporary high from tasting
A single egotistical victory
If only they knew how they blocked their own love
In this tiresome and toxic most unforgiving endeavor
But there are those within this group
Who will begin to understand
A slip or twist and a shift in thought
Then questioning self motivation may follow
A twinkle of light, like glitter falling on a dark moonlit night
If they keep searching those sparks
They'll ultimately find light
And not somewhere outside themselves to steal
But deep inside the well of their beings
It can be and will be
Even if it takes hundreds of thousands of years
Fear not when you meet these souls
Pity not their predicament
Focus with knowing compassion
That they'll one day find the light
And be grateful first and foremost
That you've found your own light to shine
On darkened pathways that others may follow
Without any actions at all on your part
The goal was never to save this world
For the fate of this world has been set on its path
The goal is to understand your place now here in it
To live, to experience and uncover your own truth
The Source within you is always there with you
Putting forth feeling as words of love and encouragement
You must listen hard and long sometimes
But you'll hear it and know
You'll know

(c) Jaie Hart (photo, random internet find)

Observations on a Full Moon Drive

The full moon loomed larger than life over Anaheim Hills last night as I made my way through the quickly fading sunlight home.  The thought of home, with a car full of giggling siblings, tired from the long and frenetic day at the office left me feeling grateful to be surrounded by so much love there and soon we'd be there.  Kids are always coming and going at my place and forever am I taxi to their most urgent social needs.  On Friday nights after a long day it's tough but tonight, it was a completely in flow moment.  At my side, my best friend and partner, the radio on heard barely above the back seat giggles and the tail lights shinning so brightly in the quickly darkening sky ahead I had a realization.  I feel old.  (giggles).  No, I do.  I've been on this planet for 47 years and have really just begun the good stuff of life that comes with years of experience.  But a long drive on a Friday night left my bones aching from the stillness of physical motion.  As I was driving I thought about those aches and what they had to tell me:

1.  You're working too hard, slow down and enjoy life much more than you have of late.
2.  You've done a lot of amazing physical things in your life from ballet, gymnastics, other sports where you got to let your body run full force in physical activity.  You have enjoyed great physical health and now the little aches and pains are reminders of how fortunate you've been.
3.  Stress is really only resistance to what is instead of going with the flow of what you are experiencing.
4.  Playing Taxi mom isn't so bad.  Seeing a big bright beautiful moon over a hilltop from a freeway is quite beautiful and sure beats becoming one with the sofa playing games on facebook.
5.  Dieting is good and after losing 5 and a half pounds in the last few weeks, I'm going to celebrate with some evil fast food just because I can and that, that will make the kids happy too because they also like to indulge - You have to sometimes give into the momentary whims of the mind in celebration - just don't over do it.
6.  Love, love is not some candle lit romantic moment you see on television. It is in the little things you do and enjoy with your family, feel when out in nature or touch in true feeling with every smile on another soul's face.
7.  Root beer really is my favorite after dinner drink (even while dieting - an extra few minutes of walking takes care of the extra calories - slight groan).
8.  Speaking of roots, they matter.  You come from amazing souls who once walked this Earth and you are the genetic culmination of thousands who walked this Earth before you.  Be proud to be a part of the human race because you do matter.  You are the representation of an anscestor's fleeting thought for the best of the future.  You're it.  Smile.
9.  Being stuck in freeway traffic lets me listen to my favorite songs a little longer and I can relax if I want to or become upset if I want to.  The choice is mine.
10.  One really can drive a vehicle safely with beenie babies being tossed back and forth in the back seat with insane giggling going on (it does take a bit more effort but it really is good music for my soul).
11.  Listening to my favorite CD in the car can sometimes be a bit challenging over the spillage of God knows what kind of music is coming out of my teenager's iPod ear phones.  I just have to listen much harder to my own tunes and life goes just fine for me.
12.  Everything in life we experience can have a beautiful silver lining if we but do one thing, strive to see it.

Perception is such an interesting thing.  My partner and I talked about perception as we drove down the freeway last night.  We can perceive only what we allow ourselves to.  As we grow older and learn more, our ability to perceive the unknown expands quite naturally to the known in our consciousness if we allow it.  We can stick to believing our perceptions are mere prisons that lock us into place or we can realize our perceptions are just that - a limited set of beliefs we hold at a certain point in time until our beliefs become tried and tested to become perceptions.  After we learn to perceive, if we allow it, we can learn to filter truth and fact from belief and perception by doing one thing - knowing that you are only believing what your mind thinks and as a result, perceiving and there will always be much truth that exists fully and factually beyond your perception.  As you allow this understanding to truly sink in, you can expand your perception, take in more experiences and then be astounded by the amazing truths that seemingly materialize out of nowhere.  Life lessons abound in our day to day existence and if you pay attention you may surprise yourself by turning beliefs into truths far beyond mere perception.

I think I need more coffee.  I seem to have meandered quite a bit with my thoughts this morning.  Today's goal for me is to be more like water, to just flow through the day taking what comes. Maybe it is the effects of the full moon on the fullness of my mostly water-based being.  It doesn't matter, whether tired or frustrated I am ultimately happy and willing to strive to go with the flow.  ~Blessings for a fantastic journey today and everyday of your lives beautiful dreamers.  I wish you love and much joy.

(c) 2013 Jaie Hart (photo/words)

Eventually

I watched huge wispy tubes of fog roll across the sky just above the roof tops.  A gentle breeze kept them aloft and turned the sunrise pale orange ethereal.  Smokey mountains ahead created a beautiful half frame of Earth contrasting with fiery morning sky.  For a few moments caught up in the beauty, I felt the murmurings of elation well as I drove into work.  Life of late has been filled with challenges great and smiles haven't been all that easy to come by.  But I know it's just a dream -- this life and all the things that frustrate only seem momentarily important.  A little adrenaline wells as the anxiety provoked thoughts fight for conscious cognition for the day ahead.  I pull them back a moment realizing that borrowing trouble with future thoughts (that are never a guarantee) is truly a pointless endeavor.  I roll down the window and breathe in deep the cool morning air to remind me to center myself better.

I turned away from the sun as my route would have me do and caught a glimpse of fiery sunlight painting the leaves in that ethereal glow again.  Slipping back into a more mesmerized state, I relaxed into the pure beauty of the moment.  No matter what hard or harsh things we may face in life, I realize these things and experiences exist but a moment and then they are gone.  There's no need to panic or worry about them.  Emotions will rise as we let our thoughts dictate but when you quiet the mind just enough, you can feel something better than emotion.  You can feel the inner urgings of your own soul to calm.  Sometimes it seems those urgings are a barely audible whisper.  That whisper, even when you notice it can be awfully difficult to hold.  But letting go of extraneous mental chatter, there is nothing to try to hold at all.  The peace is always there within you.  I learned that driving into the sun and learn it over and over again as sometimes is necessary.

We act sometimes on autopilot until we remember that thing we heard or that feeling we once came into contact with that whispered to your heart and mind, "Shush now love, be still and calm.  All is ultimately and truly well even if at this moment you cannot fully see."  When we end the frenetic and fearful thoughts, it is that voice that is the heart and soul of who we are.  Nothing outside of us can take that away.  It can be obscured by the thoughts and emotions of our choosing but so too can we choose to let go of chaotic thoughts and emotions and breathe ever more deeply into the space between moments.  It is there we find peace, love and comfort even amidst a terribly chaotic day or starting one. 

By the time I pulled into the drive at work, the sun was full and bright and the sky, cloud free and deep cerulean blue.  I got out of the car, grabbing my things and shut the door softly.  I stared up at the sky and let its clarity fill me and the softness and brightness of the light spill into and around me.  I smiled despite the upcoming hectic schedule and I walked with purpose and finished that day.  How many times will I make that drive and struggle to come to the same conclusions?  I guess it doesn't really matter as long as I get to the conclusion.  A day may come I won't make that drive and still the sun will rise ethereally beautiful and the frenetic thoughts will flow and the heart of me will remind me to step back into the calm beauty of a new day...eventually.

(c) 2013 Jaie Hart (the beautiful photo was a random internet find from:  http://thewifeofadairyman.blogspot.com/2011/03/sunrise-over-dairy.html)

Emotional Pain Never Heals

Certain experiences of anxiety, fear or pain in a present moment scenario can sometimes seem to strum the chords of prior episodes of anxiety, fear or pain. This may cause many other similar past experiences to rise to the surface of your consciousness, making one simple episode seem like a bonfire.  It's like discovering you whacked your knee on something and a bruise followed but you didn't realize you had it or had completely forgotten about it.  Then you either hit it again or otherwise touch it and the pain returns to be felt yet again.  It makes me wonder if emotional pain ever really heals.  We suffer anxiety, fear or pain for a multitude of reasons, but that's not the point of this blog.  Stick with me for just a moment as I strive to develop this point. 

As we go through our lives and experience various events, we assign anxious, fearful or painful thoughts.  At some level, it is almost as if these things are written into the archives of your psyche.  As you move away from those moments where you have experienced such events, you start to forget about the negative aspects of your experiences.  But then, suddenly, something similar comes up and the unconscious mind reaches through all of its archived records to find similar experiences from which to judge or assess the current experience.  In so doing, the thoughts will strum the chords of other painful experiences and seemingly set them loose, leaving you feeling emotionally raw and out of proportion with the current experience.

So, I cannot help but wonder about this:  Emotional pain never heals. Our anxieties stem from fear, and this fear stems from the thought of pain.  This is not the first time I've considered this line of thinking.  A superficial wound will heal but the memories of it won't necessarily leave us.  I wonder, when thinking of these emotional wounds - the anxiety, fear and pain, if we will not heal until we begin to better understand our thoughts.  It seems that until you fully understand the extent of a situation that leads to thoughts of anxiety, fear and pain, you won't heal them but rather nullify their existence.  Take the simple knowledge gained from not taking things personally as an example.  We've begun to truly learn and understand that most people who express themselves in mean and insulting ways are not really telling you anything about you, but rather are telling us about themselves.  When you think about it, we once felt the pain of these attacks, and those wounds gathered and collected throughout our whole lives.  Finally, we come to understand that some people are mean just because of their own battle scars, and this has nothing to do with us at all. The pain that was written, inscribed deeply within our psyches, becomes unwritten through understanding.

We transform our suffering through understanding it's purpose.  Oh, I know, it is a huge leap to understand that some emotional challenges have a purpose.  This is especially true when certain experiences seem by their very design to serve no purpose other than our emotional destruction.  But wait, if you go on with that thought, you spill your power out in blame and fear, and there is no healing or resolution to be had.  There is only the continuous collection of more anxiety, fear and pain.  Through seeking greater understanding, you begin to truly know that life is not designed to emotionally destroy you. Essentially, you need to step back and see a much broader framework from a greater and higher perspective of love, compassion and understanding. When you can accomplish this, ultimately, the pain is transformed and simply disappears.  There is nothing then to heal because you have begun to fully realize the illusion of suffering.  I'm not saying anxiety, fear and pain are not real when your thoughts are embroiled in the entertaining of these things.  I'm saying that if you can shift your perspective for long enough, stand in your own power and take responsibility for your play, your actors, your sets, your behaviors and your action through striving for greater understanding, you nullify the effects of pain, it seems.

I'm toying with these ideas not to blame the victims or rub salt in anyone's wounds.  I'm writing from my own experiences of having those chords of pain strummed so that they rise to the surface to the point I am raw, in an active state of pain and striving to understand it.  I do not fear pain.  I see all three of these topics as very closely aligned. No matter which aspect we embrace, each time one of these things crop up we are being given an opportunity to better understand.  If I step back from the shadows of victim-hood and blame, and stand squarely in the light owning my emotions, my thoughts and the illusions of my own perceptions, I'm free. 

These are tough thoughts to translate beautiful dreamers and I so hope in some way I'm getting through.  I may have to take another shot or two at articulating these thoughts to help them crystallize more concretely from the pureness of feeling within to the simple language we typically use to converse.  So much meaning is lost when you have a feeling and yet try to define it with limited words.  You'll understand when you get there, this much I know.  But I have this silly thought that if I can articulate what is rising, it may serve as a light for someone else who wandered ever long in the darkness as I did.   As I'm writing I'm thinking, questioning and testing.  I'm on an amazing and wonderful journey of understanding in this life and am delighted by each discovery whether it hurts, perplexes or confounds me.  I know I'll understand because there is a knowing inside encouraging me to seek the meaning to find the freedom.  I have nothing left that needs healing.  What I have is a lifetime of experiences to better understand the truth that is buried beneath the lies of unchallenged perception.  I'm talking myself in circles now, so we will end this bout of mental meandering and leave it for you to take it or not. ~Blessings of infinite love, light, compassion and most of all, a full depth of understanding to set you free.

© 2013 Jaie Hart (Photo, random internet find)

Special thanks Liam for your understanding, love, support and most excellent help with making sense of this download with me.

Mer de Noms

Not to be confused with the title of an album by one of my favorite groups (A Perfect Circle) but the title above does nicely address in meaning my thoughts this morning.  Back to the 1400's the following sea of names (mer de noms) represent a genetic line from which I descend in one form or another:

Adair, Adams, Bennett, Bobbit, Brown, Carter, Dalton, Danforth, Durnel, Fredrickson,  Goad, Green, Haug, Hunt, Jennings, Jensen, Lane, Lowe, Minott, Nester, Nielson, Nelson, Nilsson, Page, Paige, Penrod, Phillips, Pollard, Rasumussen, Rulle, Smith-Paige, strudivant, Syckerling, Talbot, Thorpe, Vancel, Wheeler, Whipple, Whitecliff, Williams.

In my explorations I have disregarded family recollection (with all due respect, of course) and learned through my matrilineal genticaly tested line, all that I am physically in this body I owe to many souls from the following amazing places that span back some 50,000 years and more:

Austria, Czech Republic, Denmark, England, France, Germany, India, Ireland, Italy, Netherlands, Norway, Poland, Portugal, Scotland, Slovakia, Slovenia, Sweden, Syrian Arab Republic, United Kingdom, Bosnia and Herzegovina.

And this, this is just the matrilineal line.  I need my brother's help to get the patrilineal line (oh, Ronnie...need some help bro and I'll explain later).  I looked at the results over and over again and I realized something.  Aside from being a genetic Heinz 57, the thought occurred to me that at some point, we are all going to be one race.  Now, before you let that upset you, consider this...the strongest do survive and so we, as the human race, represent the strength and wonder collectively and genetically attained from many cultures and even back beyond the concept of division via culture.  My blood is not pure in a single genetic sense for sure.  Mine is vast on at least one side.  I cannot wait to see the other but expect it might look similar to the above.  Fascinatingly, we trace back in time 50,000 years to EVE.  A genetic reference to a soul somewhere in Africa one of many alive at the time but this is my lineage and I find it fascinating.  As many cultures join, we create an even greater strength of physical existence I think.  Looking at my own mixed blood, I cannot ever even imagine any form of prejudice against race or place on the planet.  I begin to see how I am one with all of these cultures and I'm only part of the way through my curious explorations.

People are people no matter where they come from and no matter what their genetic composition is.  To think one greater than the rest, to me, is insanity.  I find great curiosity about all the cultures from which I am proud to descend and plan to do much more research.  I didn't need convincing that multi-cultural wasn't a bad thing.  It's something I've always felt.  I expect as I travel further through my genetic heritage and geographic origins, there are even more cultures I am likely to find I am part of.  It makes me smile to know that these cultures from which I descend are rich and wonderful with differences, lessons, ancient knowledge, ritual and more.  I'm excited to engage in this little genetic and geographical origins venture to learn even more.  We are all one in more ways than one.  In my discoveries I not only smile and take pride in my own cultures but all cultures on Earth and all they bring to the table in the present.  I'm grateful to be a citizen of Earth and related to so many from so far back in history. ~Blessings of gratitude for all cultures, love for all cultures and hope that all cultures unite in the brotherhood of man (and woman) - kind.

(c) Jaie Hart (photo generated from myFTDNA.com)

Shifting Focus and Entertaining Change

A silent morning spent sipping warm coffee and I find my mind wandering.  Days and weeks have had me thinking, wondering and worrying about way too many things.  I feel the change in season and very much love the fall but within me grows the need for more change, a deeper change as if a new direction is about to open up and I'm so very curious to see what that might be.  I need to change some things in my life as I've come to learn that some things no longer fit.  More accurately, I no long fit a framework that I, myself, have created.  The challenge or worry comes in that this one thing has kept everything so very consistent for so long and has assured me of a level of comfort.  The change feeling runs deep though and I know the only thing that I really have to do is just remain open and meet it graciously when it comes.

What does one do when they don't know what to do but the feel they must do?  I know the answer and my ego doesn't like it.  My ego wants to control and establish a security that doesn't exist except within its construct only.  Security is a funny thing.  How secure can a tiny life form be on a giant round rock spinning on it's axis somewhere around a thousand miles per hour while traveling through space around a little star at over 33,000 miles per hour in a much larger galaxy that is also in motion?  We are subject to anything and everything from biological, geologic and astronomical forces from a physical perspective.  If that were not worrisome enough, we have our own tiny microcosmic psychological matters to deal with as sentient beings.  I'm not writing this to scare or worry anyone really, just to point out a huge illusion that we all hold and the pointlessness of worry - even though I seem to have become a master of that particular negative activity at times.  Thankfully I look at those very moments as opportunities to realize fear is somewhere in my midst and its time to focus not on what is big and scary in this world but the lies I tell myself that generate unnecessary fears.

I watched a program on the Discovery Channel yesterday about an experiment conducted using random number generators and how at times of different significant events in the world, the randomness of the generators was affected by the morphic fields surrounding this Earth's inhabitants.  It made me realize how much I did not want to be an individual putting more negativity out there into the mix that everyone else must contend with.  I'm a sensitive soul who feels energy.  When tragedy occurs in the world, I feel it.  When beautiful things occur in this world, I feel it.  I realize at some level that I must be responsible, entirely, for what I put out there.  So, I come back to my local worrisome meanderings and realize they stem from my own ego's need to control a change I feel coming that cannot be controlled.  It's really ridiculous and humorous at the same time.  So, I stop the anxious thoughts for a moment and breathe in the peace and cool of this most beautiful fall morning.  We are always in a state of flux and change and no matter what happens, we go on whether physically and psychologically sound or, well, not.  It is what it is and what we think determines our experience.  I do not wish to have a negative experience in this life as that is not why I came here.  I wish to learn to relax a little better a times in my own skin and realize that everything in my play happens for a reason, a reason I wanted or a reason I needed (whether I liked it or not).

So, I shift my thought process as I sit here typing away to a completely different paradigm.  If I go over the facts of my own feelings that lie much deeper within at my core than mere random egotistical thoughts and ignorantly attached emotion.  Deepest within my knowing, I implicitly trust me.  I also know my own limits, strengths, challenges and opportunities.  I think rather than superficially feeling uneasy about seemingly impending change I will rest more peacefully knowing that it's my play and I will cast it and direct it and set the scenes up in a way that ultimately supports me quite positively.  I open myself trustingly to this change I feel is coming and the anxiety and uneasiness falls away.  It's not an easy process to trust....trust self or trust others, let alone trust in a plan you cannot easily recall.  Opportunity here in this place is endless.  We can seek the wisdom of opportunity rather than dispair over the perception of challenge experienced negatively.  It's all in our minds as is this entire experience of life anyway.  We're so amazingly powerful but we forget just how much so.

I think I shall sit back and breathe for a bit, take comfort in the void of nothingness, relax into curiosity rather than trepidation and learn to be a bit more present.  It's so hard sometimes but as I've often written, its worth the effort to work at it until you get it right, until you breathe in that one moment where you feel the energy within you rise in perfect harmony with all that is.  Those are precious moments and infinitely more rewarding than entertaining continually the bouts of discomfort and fear.  There is love to be had here and not the kind that can hold any definition of full and complete meaning in any dictionary or other book.  Love is the expansive energy that holds so much of what we experience together.  Trusting in that to bring about positive and necessary change in life is a beautiful experience.  I'm off to some silent contemplation of nothing for a short time.  I find comfort in the silence, peace in the stillness and love when I can silence the mind by letting the thoughts go one by one.  ~Blessings for a peaceful journey beautiful dreamers.  I pray you find your own spaces of curiosity over control, peace over worry and love over fear.

(c) 2013 Jaie Hart (photo copyright as noted on photo)

Journey of Understanding

Night before last I was soaring above the clouds.  The sun was setting and lit the edges of the sky in neon orange outlined in fading cerulean blue.  A storm blew far beneath us but we felt it, every bit of chaotic temperature changing updraft.  The craft we were in, cramped in tiny little seats listening to the captain announce that the tower staff indicated this turbulence would only last another 10 minutes or so.  With the fight or flight response triggering adrenaline in epic proportions within my physical vessel I slipped out of my body to a space I could better analyze what was happening within my own being.  I immediately came to the conclusion that fight or flight response is a bit comical when you are squished into the window seat of an air plane flying at 34,000 feet.  Where would you go?  As I felt the adrenaline continue to rush, I went into a deep state of peace allowing every bump, creak and crackle of the internal tube of the plane push me deeper into a relaxed state.  I watched from somewhere else breathing in the beauty of the sky around me, in my mind I pushed a shield of stable current and temperature around the plane (kept the mind occupied) and decided that despite the fear I was going home and that was all that mattered.

I slipped part way back into my body and again felt the jostling motion of, at times, very heavy turbulence fighting the thought "I'm never flying again" and decided to instead remember two nights before I left on my business trip.  It had been a very warm day in sunny California and my partner and I stepped out after dinner to go for a long walk around a very big block.  I recalled every single step in such fine detail I was surprised by my own ability to remember.  I could feel the warmth of the ground coming up through the soles of my shoes.  When we reached the edge of a beautiful tree-lined path and gazed at the sun, such an amazing sight we held.  Angelwing clouds appeared to be holding the sun picture perfectly in the sky.  It set the tone for our walk and as we took each step, I remembered the energy, the feeling within me beyond words but joy is close.  The joy of being outside, to be walking on the Earth and to be alive at this point in time.  Witnessing such a beautiful sunset is a treasure I hold close.  I spent time recalling the feelings and before I knew it, we were sailing smoothly through the air as if carried by unseen hands.  I kept going with my memories as I glanced out the airplane window watching the sun disappear.  Transposed over my vision was the same moment two nights before just as our walk ended.  We stood on an overpass watching frenetically speeding cars on the freeway below.  The clouds that had been holding up the sun as we started our walk were now on fire with silver and golden light with the sun gone below the horizon.  We stood there in awe just enjoying the view.

Another slight jolt of the airplane brought me fully back to my body and present awareness.  A glance towards the ground and I could see the faint signs of civilization.  Without even being conscious of it, I  began to smile outwardly.  We were so close to home, I could feel it.  A few moments more and the mountains came into view and more sparkling lights in the darkness of the Earth below.  It reminded me of so many nights I spent on the ground looking up at the twinkling stars.  Just then more peace descended.  Landing at my airport is never a smooth endeavor but by then I was too tired to care.  I was so happy to be so close to home after being gone a few days.  The captain announced we were 90 miles out and would be landing soon.  No motion felt mattered at that point as this part of the journey would soon be over.

I'm not a comfortable flier by any stretch of the imagination and while I won't be scheduling any flights again soon, I'll remember that moment when the captain announced we'd be landing.  While I breathed in the present with joy even when difficult for me, all I could see was the quick drive I'd make to pick up my youngest daughter and then back home to my partner.  This was a journey I never thought I'd take.  I don't fly much being a recovering flight phobic but I got an opportunity to travel for work and although I didn't have to go, I went.  The journey in this case was the destination and I learned from the experience that there are a lot of emotions that we all go through.  Every person feels the rush of adrenaline for different reasons and manages accordingly.  I remember the guy in the seat next to me when we were experiencing the worst of the turbulence saying with much sarcasm, "10 more minutes?  Great!"  He expressed my thoughts so perfectly and I smiled.  I was feeling very fearful myself and just laughed and said, "I know, right?"  When fear is in the mix, something isn't right...and not always what you think isn't right.  What I learned on my journey is that thoughts breed fear but if you sit back into the true feeling and sense knowing that no matter what you're always ok that lies beneath the fear, you can survive fearful moments.  Avoiding fear is a silly endeavor.  Here in this place, the beautiful Earth in our amazing Milky Way galaxy, there are all manner of things to be afraid of but its only our thoughts about this or that generating fear that make us suffer so.  Getting at the thoughts that generate fear and circumventing them is key.  Not an easy task but a doable one.  Will I get on a plane again?  Yes, I know I will.  There are places I really want to see but I think I will be less reliant on destination focus.  The journey itself holds the wealth of wisdom and understanding we truly seek.  Hard to extract that wisdom when the adrenaline is pumping but worth it to try, try and try.

My trip was not about getting to some place for business.  Although I enjoyed visiting a new city and people I've not seen in a long time,  I took the trip to experience the journey.  I wanted to face a fear and better understand it.  I don't know that I'll ever be able to fly without adrenaline pumping whenever there is turbulence but I know that I will manage myself because I know that I'll always be okay.   No matter what happens, I'll always be okay. ~Blessings of great courage, strength and love beautiful dreamers.

(c) 2013 Jaie Hart (photo/words)

Mending Broken Fences

So, a soul I put into my past (even though I know we are always and ever connected in the whole of existence) wishes to "mend fences" with me.  For me, there is nothing to mend.  The broken fences were all an illusion.  This I understand.  Another thing I sadly understand is that  the illusions that created the seemingly broken fences still to this day are very active in this individual’s life which really obscures any form of true love.  As such, I cannot physically mend broken fences that do not exist and restore a loving connection in the physical that never was. 

There are no fences.  We exist in the same time-space continuum.  I send  love, I wish every happiness but I will never again in this physical lifetime participate in the illusions this soul is so fond of weaving, particularly with me.  I wish things were different but in the soul of my being I know they are not.  This soul wants to mend fences and that shows me still the illusions exist.  What the connected part of my soul tells me is that what this soul wants is more opportunity for psychological manipulation, someone to mirror the pain with or maybe even an apology from me which I have already given.  Maybe this soul wishes to apologize.  But there is nothing to forgive or apologize for.  Illusion is as illusion does.  It weaves and obscures reality and worse, love.  The only thing that is real to me is love.  And when that feeling concerning this soul who says outwardly they wish to mend fences resonates as the light of truth within me not by words alone, I’ll know it and I’ll know then and only then we might converse in the light of love where there are no fences broken or otherwise.  

Whether that is here in the physical or somewhere in the ethereal, it makes no difference to me.  All is truly in perfect order in this universe always.  There are no broken fences.  There IS only love.

(c) Jaie Hart (photo from kcgotwood.com)

Anxious Perspectives

The sun begins  her glorious golden silent ascent behind our local mountains still dark silhouettes.  The Santa Ana winds forcefully blow ensuring we see in full view the fall of the leaves from our once bright green abundantly leafy trees.  Even the giant birch tree out front struggles in these gusts to hold on to the beautiful green ones that still glow golden etched in morning’s first light.  The Santa Ana winds bring with them heat, positively and frenetically charged ions that seem to set this part of the world on edge.  Knowing they were soon to come, I spent yesterday morning at the ocean shore, sitting cross-legged in the sand feeling the sounds of the beautiful waves rise, crest and crash onto the shore.  Reaching with the soul of me for those soothing negative ions of the vast expanse of the Pacific, the calmness came in nearly an instant.  When I let my thoughts scatter in the sea breeze I was soon rewarded by the energy of the sea.  Palpably I could feel the essence wrap around me filling me to my core.  With much gratitude did I thank her for all of her power, beauty and pure energy being the holder of the essence of existence throughout all time.  A side thought grabbed hold of a memory about how water records time, from all time.  Water has been here for so long in our lively existence on planet Earth.  I let go of that string of distracting thoughts and returned to the present.

I return to the present sitting in the quiet but certainly no trace of stillness of this morning, I notice the feelings of anxiety rising unbidden.  It’s more than the gusty winds and an over abundance of positively charged ions that leave me feeling anxiety.  I face a fear this week I’m both eager and yet feeling a bit of trepidation to experience but I know I’ll get through.  These particular feelings of anxiety are baseless and I’ve learned in life that as I generate thoughts of fear, I set off a chain reaction within my body that attempts to prevent my own success at achieving any sense of true well-being.  There is nothing to fear in this movie I have created.  When the heart stops, the projector stops.  It’s just that simple and no fear in it. There is no pain or bitterness within when the projector stops I’ve learned.  So, this means, these thoughts turned-emotion hold no sway over the truth of existence for me in this moment.  Our human minds construct all manner of feelings looking into a future there is never any certainty of.  I struggle with the feelings of this even though my heart and soul know the truth.  It’s amusing a bit to know the truth and yet discover a reaction from a perception out of sync.  You’ll know when you face something like this by the very feeling of fear or anxiety itself.

A quick glance up from my lap top and I see the sun has now etched all of the leaves in my field of vision in fiery silver gold light as they are tussled about in the relentless winds.  The heat brought in by these desert winds is strange on a fall morning but even that is perfect.  Everything is perfect in ways it’s so hard for us to understand with the limited ability to see.  Maybe it’s not really a limited ability but maybe the lack of knowledge in how to see.  When I step back into the knowingness of the whole of which I am part, I realize there is nothing but love, nothing but strength and nothing but connectedness across the whole of my existence now in this moment and throughout all times past.  As I look ahead a little, I feel buoyed by this thought of connectedness and realize that at some level, it rings more as the truth than the perceptions my emotion would have me give into.  Resolved I am to face what I will.  I’ve faced so many things of greater concern in my past and always has my life been truly enriched by the experience.  It will be no different this time.  I'm praying this knowing of the truth stays with me when the superficial feelings of fear and anxiety return.  There is nothing to fear as all I see before me now, I am but one tiny particle of—the wind, the trees, the leaves, the sky, the stars and sun.  We are all connected in this movie whether we allow the knowingness to enter the scenes or not.

I think I find the greatest comfort in the knowing that I trust implicitly in my own ability to create for me an enriching experience of this movie that is my life.  I trust that only good can come of my creations because that is ultimately the intent that I set with all the love of the universe behind the sentiment entirely.  I may not be able to articulate everything I see and feel in this moment but I do feel this moment in a way by far beyond the limits of mentally created and impermanent emotion.  I laugh at myself for entertaining fears.  Not in any malicious way, of course, but with a gentle prodding to remember to have greater trust and faith in my own ability to create in this world.  A momentary stillness takes hold in the moment and the Santa Ana’s briefly stop their forceful blustering as if to help me accentuate this moment of peace.  The once rustling branches and leaves in the trees are only gently moving at the moment.  Sipping delicious coffee as I sit now in the quiet stillness of morning… It’s beautiful, just beautiful as is life.

(c) 2013 Jaie Hart (words/photo)