Saturday, July 24, 2010
I’ve got to talk about this subject again. A post from one of my favorite authors this morning, reminded me of something I’ve been meaning to write about. Marianne Williamson posted just this morning on Facebook, “Whoever you judge you are giving the power to hurt you.” The same is true for whoever you attempt to control and whoever you unwittingly or even knowingly attempt to hurt, control or manipulate. To take it a little further, and trust me, I do speak from extensive experience here as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, you are judgmental, controlling and manipulative in the first place because you are hurt and fearful. Period. I’ll tell you something else to think about, today with the vast knowledge we all have through 12-step programs, counseling and a literal sea of self-help books, every time you openly judge someone, attempt to control them or manipulate them, you are telling the whole wide world through your actions directed at those in your immediate environment that you are deeply wounded. Think of it another way, the individual who first throws a punch is himself wide open while engaged in the action of offense. Martial artists understand this--boxers understand this.
I don’t mean to be so in your face with this concept and if you argue it, there is another word that most folks will immediately see, “Denial.” Now, most descent folks, myself included would take no amount of pleasure in seeing someone else’s wounds or pain. If you had a run in with me, I’m likely to be very quiet and let you speak. You are likely then to get a boundary or compassion but I would not engage in your drama on a topic where you have become judgmental, controlling or manipulative. Hurt people, hurt people. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said this. We have more choices than we ever realize. We can choose judgment, control and manipulation to exist—to keep those around us from hurting us or reinforcing old wounds, OR we can get real and authentic with ourselves, we can speak from the heart instead of trying to force or coerce others into doing what we want or feel we need them to do. Instead of judging and taking everyone else’s inventory and throwing it in their face to derive pleasure from someone else’s pain even if unconsciously, you can instead focus on your own inventory and what it might take to make you feel better at the source with a lasting and peaceful effect rather than focusing on judgment of others which is like a short-lasting high with a huge crash at the end. There is a reason the Bible says, “Judge not lest ye be judged.” Judgment is too much for most of us humans to handle in the fragile state we are in here in the Earth school. Every action we take is filtered through pain we have attempted to protect ourselves from. Who among us is free enough from pain and wounds to accurately and objectively judge another anyway? Very few, I’d say.
Another thing to note here is that hurt people need compassion and love, not vindictive reactions to get back at them. If someone is wounded and they engage in hurtful behavior, protect yourself in healthy and appropriate ways by dealing with them authentically regardless of the wounded person’s response. Your only accountability is your behavior and your actions. Having had run ins with a number of wounded people throughout my life, I will tell you that I feel so much better when I do not engage in retaliatory behavior to hurt them back and instead focus on my own behavior. I try always to keep my focus on my actions and do my best to quell reactions. With actions, I am exercising discretion and choice. With reactions, I am giving them the power to control, manipulate and hurt me. It’s just not a good place to be. It really makes a negative interaction that much more painful and energetically draining. So, think before you speak. Act instead of reacting. Choose authentic behavior. At the end of the day, vengeance and getting even is also like a short-high that will soon leave you down and worse for the wear.
For all the walking wounded out there, I send blessings for enlightenment to their true self-purpose and healing. I pray that they are lifted up and out of the trauma that forces them always and ever to react. For those dealing with the walking wounded, I hope you find the strength to choose your actions, that you can react less and not be thrown off your center by someone else’s inner drama. May you all find a measure of love, compassion and peace!