Contemplating the Seasons

It’s at this time of year I notice the sun’s position in the sky, realize the leaves on the tree once bright green are fading and notice the light’s daily display is a little bit shorter. The Summer is fading fast and soon the Fall will be on our door steps. It’s usually at these brief moments that I pause and look back. I think of the Summer fun I’ve had, the Summers of recent past and long-past. Technology has brought an amazing sense of happiness while thinking of those Summers long past since reconnecting with my dear childhood friends, my high school friends and then, folks I somehow lost touch with or the new people I’ve connected with.

This Summer has been filled with smiles and excitement. So much so that any disappointments that may have arisen are by far over shadowed. It’s been a good Summer and while I may be a little wistful at seeing it start to come to a close, I’m prepared to embrace the next season, Fall. Fall is my most favorite season of all. That feeling the Spring brings most people is lost on me. The Fall puts me in that heady, romantic and dreamy state for reasons I just don’t understand. Maybe it’s the cooler nights that eventually set in, maybe it’s the visible shedding of things past and the preparation for the bare nakedness of Winter…the moments just before rebirth. I’m not sure but Fall seems to be that season where I can let all of the things I’ve learned, good or bad fall away from the places in my heart and mind that I’ve collected them. As the leaves fall from the trees, the pain of lessons learned, the intense emotions of happiness and fun drop away as well leaving me centered, neutral and completely stable with my thoughts. It’s like a pause to relax, acknowledge and then slowly begin to move forward into Winter’s slumber.

This year has been an amazingly good year. So many triumph’s, milestones and lessons learned. Being drawn into the next two seasons leaves me feeling peaceful and accomplished. I see the changes all around me and embrace those changes with a completely open heart and mind. I won’t be carried away by politics, emotional drama or the pressures of the world that are not mine to take in. I will stand tall, accomplished, happy, proud of my progress, grateful for friends and family and simply enjoy this next season. My hope for everyone is that they might pause to think for a moment about the year’s progress, personal achievements, lessons learned (even if painful) and realize as the leaves fall from the trees, you can use such a time as a visual representation for letting go of the pain and disappointments from memories past, allow new thoughts and ideas to develop over the Winter and spring into fruition in just a few short months. May you all find a measure of happiness at any time of the year’s seasons, at any time in the season’s of your life. All moments are beautiful moments, all memories are beautiful memories and all lessons are beautiful lessons.

Loneliness

I read a study today that indicates loneliness is bad for your health. Staying in a lonely marriage is bad for your health. Extroverts need friends more than introverts to avoid being lonely. I’m reading all of this and I cannot help but wonder if we continue to point at the finger pointing at the moon instead of looking at the moon. Stay with me here a moment and think about this. Is loneliness a real feeling or emotion or is it a perception that spawns emotions we choose to hold onto? Think about it before you jump right out of the gate and say loneliness is real.

Then, the next step is, if you decide that you really are lonely, what will you do about that? Will you sit there feeling bad because you think other people aren’t lonely or that other people have a mate, a friend or a family and are lucky they don’t have to be lonely? What if loneliness is just a want that you perceive can only be filled in a certain way? That means your perception would be set by certain expectations and those expectations may keep you lonely unnecessarily.

So, I’ve had lonely times in my life but I don’t mind my own company. I once purposely remained alone, aside from my kids, on purpose for 3 years. I wanted a good long amount of time to think about my life, where I had been, where I was and where I might be going. I couldn’t do that with the distraction of friendships of any kind. So, I became a hermit mom by choice. I felt lonely but never depressed because I was alone by choice. On those rare occasions where it got to be too much, I’d take myself out to dinner and eat at the bar where the other single folks dined. I’d strike up conversations with servers, bar-tenders, other customers. I’d go shopping and talk to people shopping. I’d go to the beach with a cup of coffee and smile at people, talk to people and just enjoy wherever I was and whatever I was doing. I’d then go home to a peaceful home.

Some people lock themselves into a lonely reality by taking the “green light” approach to life. All the lights must be green for 5 miles down the road before you could get into your car and head to a destination. But, what if instead, you made left or right turns? What if you threw your destination out the window, tossed convention, eradicated expectations and walked out into the world open minded with a sense of wonder and invited contact by being open to it? There would still be those days that people just weren’t talking and on such days, I’d think to myself that "This is a good quiet day." I’d get on the internet instead or read a great book. I would draw, write, fantasize, nap, organize, play cards or exercise. I ended up a bit lonely last year and so took up a tennis class. It was fun just for the human relation factor and it was not expensive at all.

When you drop expectations and allow yourself to be open to new experiences, people and new things, they come and loneliness becomes an indulgent feeling you mire yourself in. You’re only lonely when you want to be. If you want to talk, go talk to a neighbor. If you’re bored, go see if you can volunteer at the local elderly residential home or the hospital. You can offer to read books to sick children in the hospital. You can get involved in a cause. There are so many things that you can choose to do instead of sit inside the walls of your home feeling sorry for yourself and so sad that you do not have what you perceive you need. Live your life optimistically and never give up that optimism. Never give up options. Never lock yourself into only a certain way of approaching life or approaching the world and people in it and you will find that loneliness is a fleeting indulgent feeling. If you must indulge, accept that you are lonely, feel it for a few moments and then let it go by doing something about it. People won’t typically fall into your living room and want to talk. Sometimes you have to get out there and be the ear or voice that you need and that act will ultimately bring you friendship and people that will help keep you from feeling lonely.

Just food for thought.

The Way There

Your criticism used to hurt me so much...
The way it was specifically designed
To push my buttons related to those things
I cared about most in the world.

I used to wonder if you got off on the fact...
That you held that much power over me,
That although you said you loved me,
Somewhere you must really detest me.

But, I learned that seeing that side of things...
Was truly seeing only what I wanted to see,
And I began to look deeper, look past my own pain,
And there it was, plain as the nose on your face…your own pain.

I came to realize that I’m certain of your love for me.
I trust that more than anything else in the whole world...
And I see now how it is that you analyze and criticize yourself most of all.
Inside you lives a harsh and critical judge…you see in me only what lives inside of you.

You can’t hurt me anymore in that way...
Because I’ve moved my buttons so you can’t get at them.
Nothing has really changed except now I see what’s really there.
I see the source of your criticism and the diversion it brings you.

You are in pain from so many sources,
And so you call it out in others in the hopes that they may heal it,
Because if they do and you can see that happen...
It builds hope for you that you can heal your own pain instead of escaping it.

I see you, straight through to your bare and beautiful soul,
There is no mal intent within you.
In fact, there is the deepest kindness, gentleness and caring.
And so, I don’t need to react, my ego is just not that wounded.

I thank my lucky stars that I’ve been given this sight,
This inner knowing that allows me to see behind the facade...
Behind the mask that you put on in such instances,
And I won’t give your pain the satisfaction of company.

Instead, I will show you nothing but balanced, focused attention.
Instead I will give you what you really want more than anything...
Love….compassion…acceptance and understanding.
This is what they call unconditional love, thank you for showing me the way there.

You'll Always Have You

We speak
Because we cannot stand
To face ourselves
The secret self that lives on the inside

We run
Because we cannot hide
From the reality
And totality of who we really are

We search
The world outside ourselves
To find the answers
That only ever lie within

Our search
Brings us home empty
Disheartened, lost
Until we find that spark inside

If we pay attention
It’s that spark
That peels away the layers
Of all that is illusive and unreal in this world

Take the time
To know yourself
To love yourself
And trust yourself

Don’t fear the silence
Don’t ever fear the stillness
No matter what you think you do not have
You’ll always have you

(Inspired by Gibran)

The Real Thing That Matters

Hate me if you want to
Wish for my utter failure
Strike me with your torturous words
Hit me with your harsh disdain

You cannot change the heart of me
Nor will your thoughts affect who I am
You might hurt me and the scars
May remain in my heart a while.

I’m not here for your pleasure
I’m not here for your pain
I’m here because I have to be
For reasons I cannot recall, I want to be

I am human and fallible
But I am also soul
And if given a chance
You’d see nothing but love in me

I cannot hate
I will not wish ill
I won’t ever get even
I’ll walk away shaking my head

At the heart of me
I’ll feel the real pain inside you
And despite your words
I’ll still wish I could help

But I’ll step aside
As you throw each blow
That only serves
To expose your true weakness

Save your energy for yourself love
Save your energy for healing
And then you’ll find love
The real thing that matters

A Bridge from Childhood

I never saw a grown man cry until that night. It was a winter night, circa 1970-something and although it was a very long time ago it remains indelibly imprinted into my memories. There was no significant event, as significant events go but it was significant to me. Until that night I believed that my father was among the untouchable comic book super-heroes. In fact, I often thought he was like superman with his only kryptonite being my mother but that’s a story for another time. This was a Friday night, I vividly recall. My dad typically drank only on the weekends and this night was typical. It was getting late and he was getting ready to walk over to a local bar. It was one he was proud to frequent because his father, my grandfather, built the bar with his own hands. I heard the story nearly every weekend for as long as I can remember.

We had a little parakeet named Piewacket. He was a gift from one of my cousins. He was the most beautiful color of turquoise blue, with a white head that gently faded into blue. He was as mean as a summer day is long though. If you got too close to him while trying to feed him or clean out his cage, he’d take a piece of flesh for your troubles. He had been, at that time, a member of our family for many years and clearly he was not his usual peppy self. I watched him in his cage from across my tiny little bedroom. With the bare light bulb burning brightly in the ceiling, the small cubby he was in had interesting shadows.

I could hear the music from down the long dark hallway that lead to my father’s room. He was playing something, Melanie Safka I think, on the hi-fi and I could hear the clinking sound of ice cubes traveling down the side of a glass stopping abruptly at the bottom and then I heard the glass set down gently with a soft click on dad’s dresser right by the door. I heard his measured steps coming up the hallway and he came into my room to say good night before he left. I never noticed then that his cologne was always mixed with the smell of rum and Pepsi, a smell I can’t tolerate today let alone the taste. It sends me over the edge nearly because it reminds me of him and how much I miss him.

But that night the fog of alcohol was already strong on his mind. He was a kind man, a truly kind man and he was so brilliant about so many things. I always liked those Friday nights as a kid because my brother and I would sit in his room with him while he listened to his old forty-five’s on the hi-fi,. He’d sing and smile and tell us stories about how he grew up. They weren’t happy stories. They were often laced with tragedy of the emotional kind. But I listened and I sang along with him, just happy to see him seem so happy. That night had been no different, earlier in the evening.

But it started to get late and my brother and I had to go to sleep so he could go out and not worry about us. Not that he’d have to, my grandmother was always there looking after us. It was just something he did, one way he made sure to take care of his responsibilities. That night was rough because Piewacket just wasn’t doing well. My dad came in to check on him and he said that our little friend would likely not last the night. He tucked us in and gave us a kiss and then he walked out the door. I could hear the heels of dad’s shoes as he walked down the street until they got too soft to hear any more. I drifted off to sleep and then in what seemed like minutes later, I woke up hearing my dad’s footsteps coming back up the hall. He had returned from his evening and his steps were much less steady and the mix of cologne and rum so much stronger.

He came in to check on the bird. I hadn’t noticed he was on the bottom of his cage. Dad’s eyes were red from drink and troubled with worry. He opened the cage and pulled out Piewacket. He gently cradled our family pet in his strong hands. It seemed so strange that such a big strong man could cradle a tiny creature so gently and with so much love. He sat down on my bed and he said, “Jan-jan, I’m so sorry but he’s just not going to make it. I could hear him choking up and I did too. We sat there together watching Piewacket take his last breaths. As that last breath went in and out, my father cried. I had never seen a grown man cry before but I stayed quiet, tears in my own eyes. My dad sat there so quiet for the longest time. He stroked Piewacket’s head and then looked at me and said he was gone. I wiped away a tear and my dad just gave me a hug. He said we would take care of him in the morning and he said goodnight and turned off my bedroom light taking the little bird with him. He shut the door behind him.

I sat there in the dark for a little while thoughtful. I was just becoming a teen and was noticing changes all around me but that night I experienced the biggest change. My dad became a mere mortal male that night. He wasn’t impervious to emotional pain and so many things connected for me in an instant. I suddenly realized how much emotional pain he carried. I suddenly saw him as a human being, fallible, faults and all. Everything connected. I lost a piece of my youth that night but I also gained a great deal of understanding. My dad was a beautiful person who loved animals, who loved us the most in life and he cared about so much more about everything than he ever let on. He had his challenges with life but kept going for a while for us. As I think back now, even more things connect. Today I have a greater understanding of emotional pain, of addiction and it’s true source, for love and life and I owe it all to this beautiful man that was once my superman. In away, he’ll always be my superman because he was the one man in my life who saw me for who I was and loved me any way. His capacity for love in his own way created a bridge for me to walk cautiously from a child to a young adult. He did it without even trying and he did it with love. I’ll never forget that night.

Random Musings

When I was in my twenties, I only wanted to hear about how hot men thought I was. Silly foolish girl and my how things have changed. Twenty years later and I still love to hear a man tell me I'm hot but the one that impresses me will be the one who sees me for who I really am and makes sure I know that he knows my value is by far greater than just what my body can do for him.

Sun falling slowly across the western sky, clouds welling with moisture but not heavy enough for rain, green grass, 4 bare feet as my six year old and I turn cartwheels in the back yard. The sheer joy of hearing her laugh as I show her how and then she puts on an amazing show for me. I am peacefully elated.

I worked hard today and did the best I could. I didn't do things perfectly and there was a time I'd have gone home nutted up with anxiety. But I'm just not that girl any more. I'm a woman who knows what's important, like cutting herself some slack and appreciating effort and progress instead of demanding perfection from herself.

I came home and grabbed a wine cooler from the fridge. It was hard to open it and I got it done. I sat down to catch up on email and took one sip. I was in such a peaceful and balanced state, I couldn't take another sip...primarily not wanting anything to screw with my serenity. I promptly dumped it down the drain, took out the comet and scrubbed my sink. When I was done, I was elated.

Finally gone from me is the urge to focus my energy outward for love. After nearly 43 years on this planet, I learned that such searches are pointless. Real, true and unadulterated love comes from only one source...right inside the heart of mankind...each, individually. Only when you can find it there, can you give it and truly appreciate it when another human being gives it to you.

The sun is set after a brief appearance in my world. Inside my heart the sun always seems to be shining. I like how that feels and I'm glad it didn't take a drug, alcohol, or a man to bring me to this place. I brought myself to this dance and will gladly dance my life away and go home with the one I came with.

Enough of my random musings for now. If you read this far, bless you, you're a good soul. May you be filled with peace and love in every extreme imaginable.